Are We Enough Yet, 03/25

Mastery isn’t the absence of struggle, nor stress. It is the progress we make in how we deal with the struggles and the stressors

Mastery isn’t the absence of struggle, nor stress. It is the progress we make in how we deal with the struggles and the stressors.

There is something insidious in our upbringing, infused by Disney, that implies that if we work hard enough and behave well enough we will never again have stress or pain. Therefore, when pain arrives as it inevitably will, we feel like failures – like we haven’t done enough.

We admire trees that grow tall, twisting and bending around obstacles, and yet we chastise ourselves for the obstacles and the scars.

This is particularly nefarious in social media with those shiny happy influencers portraying an image of flawless lives of wealth and fun. Have you ever been on holiday and watched an influencer trying to get the best shot? It is just painful! Personally, I wonder if that person was ever fully ‘there’ on holiday or merely around for the photo op and the boosting of follows. Where is the substance? And, perhaps more importantly, where is the joy?

Thankfully there are those speaking more truthfully of life’s struggles on socials, but they still want it delivered in clean brands and tied up neatly in a bow at the end.

This isn’t natural. Life is messy. We struggle. We fight and sometimes lose and sometimes win.

The founder of the coffee chain Timothy’s mentored me for a while. His advice to me was to mess up a lot of times. He said he learned the most from his numerous failed businesses versus his successes. He was the guy who, when I sat with him, was fully focused on nothing but me and the moment.

I’ve had a few people in my life like that and I aspire to be like them. John Borrows had 3 PhDs before he was 35 (I think), 4 kids, a full time University teaching job and was commuting from Barrie when he acted as my advisor at York U for my Masters Degree. Again, when I sat with him, I was the only person that existed.

I admire this because, in their ability to be fully present, there is a fundamental lack of ‘chatter’ in their presence. Often for me the chatter is fear – did I get this done? Am I asking the right questions? Am I doing enough? While with a steady presence like John or Tim, I feel the adventure of life. I feel a lack of neat branding but a wealth of real connection, curiosity, and grit.

They are clear that this moment is what they are there for, and that it utterly matters. There is no concern for brand colours or the right camera angle to avoid a double chin. The time with them is raw, intense, and transformative.

This to me is mastery. John has done incredible work since I knew him including creating an entire curriculum for an Indigenous law degree and being appointed an Officer in the Order of Canada. He likely wouldn’t remember me, but I remember him and hold him in the highest regard. To me, he is and was a master of living a full life.

I feel this quality when I am teaching and coaching. I feel really present with the person with whom I am working and in the dance of shared insights. Nothing exists in those times outside of the exchange.

My mission of late is, like all yoga practices, to take that feeling off of the mat and more into the street. I want to feel a sense of mastery and presence, rawness and grit as opposed to chatter, in more moments of my life. As I tell yoga students, the practice will slowly seep into your life if you let it. And that is a road to mastery.

Saboteurs

I’ve been evolving my career toward more of a mentorship and training role. It is a natural evolution and not a new one, however, the mentoring and training is becoming more of a focal point as opposed to just ‘something I do.’

What fascinates me is the way in which, as I spread my wings, my chattering saboteurs appear so reliably.

Like a mother going through menopause as her kid goes through puberty, I am going through this while my current YTTers are launching into their first classes and dancing with their voices of self-worth. We are a chorus of imposter syndromes!

Riding roughshod on all of this is of course a world in turmoil, not just because of Trump, but because we are in a massive shift away from patriarchy. Trump is just one of many gasping for the last crumbs from the feast.

All of this is deeply destabilizing but also calling us to our highest purpose. If we don’t step forward now, when will we? If we don’t use our voices for greater good now when there is so much harm, then when?

As many of you know, I do a lot of work around saboteurs. They are pivotal voices that, when understood and even tamed, can shift from tearing us down to building us up. These are the voices that say “who do you think you are? Why do you think you are so special?” Or any phrase that somehow makes you feel like you shouldn’t be too blank (read happy, excited, etc) because the other shoe is going to drop.

I’ve caught myself, in good times, being extra cautious of falling because, of course when things are going well, the worst is going to come out of nowhere. A client started our session off saying she was doing pretty well and then went on to say how alert she is to any sign that this might be the moment when she plummets toward death. Instead of an aging process, in which she currently lives, she believes that there will be this one fateful day when ZIP! everything goes south and she is going toward her death bed.

Isn’t it amazing how uncomfortable we are with joy and ease? Have you tracked how many times you foresee disaster on the heels of success?

Those are your saboteurs trying to keep you safe… and small.

What are the saboteurs?

Well, they can be loads of ghosts, goblins, and ghouls. Most of them use language that you have heard your whole life about how capable or incapable you are; whether or not you should be proud; and whether you are entitled to joy.

If you were raised Scottish (or British or Northern European), you were likely told through actions and subtle (and not so subtle) clues that joy is dangerous and best avoided. “Don’t be too happy.”

Maybe you were made to believe that to be proud of yourself was a danger. Was your head going to grow too big?

But the truth about your saboteurs, and the thing that will utterly change your relationship with them, is that they come from love. They are trying to keep you safe just like your parents or grandparents were doing with their misguided shaming. They don’t/didn’t want you to get hurt and so it is safer to keep you small.

But the thing is that this is no time to play small. We need to learn to dance with our saboteurs where WE lead, not them. We are the ones able to drive our buses and drive we must.

I imagine that you have heard me ask my favourite ever Todd Herman question: “Was Superman the alter ego or Clark Kent?”

Most of us answer Superman because he wears a cape and needs a phonebooth to change in! But think about it. He was born Superman on the planet Krypton. He donned Clark Kent so that he would fit in with the humans on planet Earth. Clark Kent is his alter ego.

This matters because you and I also became someone akin to Clark Kent. We, like everyone, were born out of wonder and bliss but there was no room for that amongst the humans. In response, we shrank. We dimmed our lights and forgot our super powers because it was safer that way.

The saboteurs are experts at keeping us in our small corners, wings or capes tethered to our ribs (hmmm, is that what makes up the Ribbous Wraparoundus?). And they mistakenly do that out of love for us.

Imposter Syndrome

Seeing it all through this light, I think it is much easier to understand why we all get tripped up in Imposter’s Syndrome! If being magnificent puts you at risk, who are you to step forward into the light?

Being a yoga teacher is a particularly dodgy foray into this syndrome because it is a line of work that feels ultimately sacred. Most of us used yoga to heal some very deep wounds.

Yoga helped me journey back to my body after a lot of years of an abusive relationship between my body and mind. It has brought a sweetness back to my eyes when I look at myself in the mirror. Yoga helped me to feel like I was and am always right on time. I belong to this life and it to me. I drive this bus. Yoga was my main tool for getting to that place of mastery. Yoga has let me see my Superhero Self, who I call Shazandra. Oh yes I do.

When I step in front of a group of people to teach them yoga, I see it as a much larger deal than just teaching Downward Dog. I am fully aware that people in my class are going to come up against some very deep and hard edges inside. I also know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are absolutely capable of navigating that and getting to the other side where their version of Superman (or Shazandra) awaits.

Teaching yoga is more of a calling than many other jobs and so it can feel really BIG! Who am I to think that I can help people work through trauma, for example? I would argue that you are the absolute best fit for many people that will find you. You have trained for this your whole life, including going through the trauma that you went through. It taught you how to be in this moment.

Okay, so now what?

Have ever been held under by an ocean wave? Do you remember that feeling of being unable to stick your head up to where you can see clearly and create good plans and strategies? The force of the saboteurs is so overwhelming that they can convince us of all sorts of inadequacies and keep us under for a surprising amount of time. And (and this is really important) remember that you have trained to be able to hold your breath calmly for a long time! You will emerge. And you will be better for the process of recovery.

This process is really important, right on time, and absolutely something that you and I can handle and even flourish from. The myth is that struggling with your saboteurs has an expiry date. Trust me that this is not anywhere near the truth. We will struggle with them until the day we die, as we should. This is the life of a soul having a human experience.

The best thing you can do is name your saboteurs. Give them every characteristic possible! Hair colour, clothing choices, the way they walk, the way they talk, etc… The more you can know what they represent, the better. Their name alone can say so much about who they are.

I know that Bob The Blob, for example, is desperate to make me better with money. His delivery sucks, but the message is good. Yes, I should keep better track but don’t shame me Bob! That will get you nowhere!

Don’t stop at one! Let this process go on for a year or more of naming and knowing these voices. I have 5 main ones that I work with. I know them well but they still pull me under frequently. My mastery journey is catching on to them earlier and earlier, but they still get me.

Once I emerge, soaked and salted, I always feel a level of relief at the house cleaning that had to be done. Some really important revelation will have come through about how I can evolve yet again. That time with head under water is never wasted. Real truth will always emerge if you are willing to hear it!

As with so many things the antidote to your saboteurs is love. They come from love and deep concern for your wellbeing.

Meet them with love.

“Bob, thank you for worrying about me, but I’ve got this. I’ll keep track and show you how it is going, but I don’t need you yammering at me. I love you.”

Taking the shame messaging out means that the cape or wings can begin to shake out and be strong again.

You weren’t born to be Clark Kent. You were born to be Superman. I wasn’t born to be Alexandra. I was born to be Shazandra!

This world doesn’t need more Clark Kents. It needs you, really YOU!

Core Values

Have you done core value work? I’m sure you have if you’ve worked with me. If you haven’t, let me know and I’ll send you a worksheet. My driving force words (core values) are Connection, Belonging, and Expansion. My work revolves around these words and the meaning that I give them. You might choose similar words but you’ll attribute different meaning to them according to what matters to you.

Core values make your contribution to the world unique to you. There can be no imposter syndrome because only you can work from your core values. Only you have gone through the experiences you did that drew you to those values. You are the only one perfectly positioned to be YOU.

As you embody your core values, in more than your yoga teaching, they will be the things that determine your YES and your NO. They will become your vocabulary for choosing to hang with your saboteurs or your allies, to be Clark Kent or Superman.

Core values diminish the chatter because of the clarity they bring. If a situation won’t make me feel a sense of belonging, it is a hard no. Then the things I say yes to are genuine and I will be able to be fully present in them. By not spending my energy trying to ‘fit in’ but being in places of true belonging, I have more to offer my soul work. I clearly know what is a good fit and what isn’t.

Knowing that means I can sit with you in the grit without distraction or chatter. You and I sharing our time as the Superheroes we are.

The goal of yoga is Self-knowledge. In travelling through the various fun-houses of life, we get to know ourselves. Yoga helps us to digest, forgive, and fortify ourselves for this long and fabulous journey. Teaching yoga is just another layer of Self-knowledge and experience in the waves. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience. We are born to be here.

Mastery is not the absence of forgetting your true nature as magnificent. Mastery is created in the number of times that you remember.