Can You Unattach? 01/25
There are gems on our paths if we are willing to look and there are also thorns. This is true no matter how many postures we can execute with precision and grace. What stories we tell ourselves about both the thorns and the gems are what get us into trouble.
I’m thinking a lot about the word unattached lately. Detached is cold. Unattached is curious. Unattached is expansive. To be attached in my life sets me up for massive disharmony and dis-ease. To be unattached sets me up for ease, presence, and deep trust.
I can ask “why am I here?” and depending on the tone, I might be angry or I might be curious. I have the option to take things personally (attached) or I can be curious (unattached). I can be fearful or I can be trusting.
Trust can’t exist without unattach. Trust means that I loosen my grip on the reins and believe that I am going in the right direction. I unattach from the unfounded fear that I am careening toward certain failure and death and instead trust that I am held and supported.
Does that mean that I become a wet noodle and just let life roll over me? No. I and we must act and ideally we do so from a place of discernment and clarity. Whether our actions lead to our intended outcomes, however, might not be up to us. That is where we must unattach.
Next month the 200 hour program is going to take a quick peek at The Bhagavad Gita, which has at its heart, unattaching from outcomes and ego.
Throughout the saga, Krishna counsels Arjuna to stop clinging to his limited views of mortality, reminding Arjuna that embodiment is temporary. As Arjuna balks at the thought of going into this holy battle and killing his kin, Krishna tells him that he is misidentifying the temporary as permanent.
The Coles notes version is as follows and please forgive my paraphrasing:
Arjuna: “If I go to battle as a great warrior, I will kill many. I know God lives in everyone and so am I not killing God?”
Krishna: “I am immortal. Yes, I am in everything, but you can’t kill me. An embodied life is temporary. I am eternal.”
Arjuna: “But isn’t it wrong to kill?”
Krishna: “Had humanity evolved more, this battle would be unnecessary. As it stands, you must live out your dharma as a great warrior and win this battle. The world needs this to happen. And you are the one to do it.”
The first time I read the Gita, I threw it across the room many times. I found it patriarchal and I didn’t understand why a battle could ever be necessary. Over the years, having read better translations, I love this text beyond belief. It is a powerful call to live our dharma, to find our right action, and finally to unattach.
The Gita shows the reader the power of Self-knowledge, leading to discernment, leading to right action. Capital S Self refers to the Divine within, where small s self centres in the ego. While still important, small s self must be eventually vanquished in honour of Self. In fact, the Gita really revolves around the battle between self and Self. Arjuna is not seeing his divinity or his calling. He is stuck in his mortality.
To use the image of a battle where lives will surely be lost, makes the issues so dire that you have to pay attention. But Arjuna’s struggles can be found in the tiniest choices throughout our days. Will I say yes or no? Will I choose that thing that builds me and therefore spend less energy in the habit of hurting me?
I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about the Gunas. Tamas (ignorance), Rajas (turbulence), and Sattwa (clarity). Attaching leads to both Tamas and Rajas, depending on the level of said attachment. Co-dependency – I’ll make you need me so you love me – is a prime example of this. Or insisting that things go your way instead of someone else’s. These lead to turbulence and unrest inside and out. They fog the mirror so we can’t discern.
My coach and I have been talking a lot about change and therefore unattachment. In my current transition from studio owner and under 55 to a 55+ mentor and trainer to teachers is a big deal inside. I am aging. I can see the grey coming in fast and it is both lovely and daunting. I know that aging is a privilege and I wear my grey with pride for all of my friends that weren’t able to live as long as I have.
I told Nicki that I miss having my own studio, not because I am unhappy where I am. Far from it. But I have owned a studio for 25 years. It was an unhealthy limb that I am better off without, but the wound is still fresh. She said that I am at the end of a cycle and the closer I am to the actual end, the more I will want what used to be. As I get further into the new phase it will fade. This is when she reminded me to unattach.
Last month, I was in the messy middle of letting go and having no idea where the next ground would come. Today, I am nostalgic but aware that the trajectory is the right one. I’ve moved off the battlefield but I’m not quite in my new life yet.
There is always a life and death battle going on, but the ‘life’ might be an identity (studio owner), a habit, or a relationship whose time has gone.
This persistent cycle of battles necessitates mat time to engender the clarity needed for right action. The battle is just a cat scratching at the air unless I know why I battle and for what or whom I battle. I find the why, what and for whom on the mat. I imagine you do too.
Yoga, including pranayama, asana, and meditation is such a powerful practice to remind us that we are only here for a while and everything can change in the shortest amount of time. One inhale is entirely different from another and if we can be present to this and nothing else, a tiny second becomes a massive potential for expansion and contraction.
Yoga presents an effective vehicle to find our true Self, the Krishna within. For all that is impermanent, there is the persistent presence of our inner light, our power, and our Satya (truth).
And isn’t this what we are truly battling for all along? Aren’t we all trying to shed the veils to find our inner essence and beauty?
My reason for being born is different from yours. I play a different role in this time in humanity than you do and we are both needed. The world needs us to know ourselves well enough to understand what we were born into, what our super powers are, and therefore what our right actions are. Like Arjuna, we must be able to identify ourselves as the great warrior in whatever capacity is our own.
As a 55 year old woman, I am in the process of letting go of my youth and embracing the crone. I love saying that because so many people cringe. A crone is seen as a hag, a witch, a has been! Well, I don’t know about you, but I think it is high time that I embraced my power to help others heal. Isn’t that a witch? I even have a bump on my nose! I saw a meme recently that said something to the effect of “Why were we afraid of witches, not the people that burned them?” Oh yeah!
And what is so scary about being a wise old, slightly crazy woman anyway? Why are we so afraid of women’s power? Look at the most recent election south of us. Americans rejected a woman and chose a man who aspires to limit women’s power over their own bodies! This man that said “I’m going to help women whether they like it or not” is now going to be influencing a huge portion of the planet. My friends, it is time for a battle.
As a crone, I feel less and less desire to bend my breath about these things. I will not go blindly into the dark night and disappear. My glimpse at mortality, since what is ahead of me is shorter than what is behind me, tells me that the battle is now. Pick up your weapons Allie and do what you were born to do.
My weapons are words, presence, and compassion. Through them I build connection, belonging, and expansion for myself and others. My weapons are designed to break me, and those that work with me, out of being small. My arms of choice lead us home to our powerful Selves.
And this is the crux of my newsletter… Are we afraid that we aren’t powerful or are we afraid that we are actually incredibly powerful? And if we could show up unattached could our power flow more easily? If we picked up our appropriate weapons and used them against voices that say things like “who do you think you are?” or “Don’t be too proud” or “You should dye your hair!” might we live with greater clarity and ease?
I know that I minimize my power in order to fit in. Like a tall woman who slouches, I play small when the battle asks that I walk in my full stature. Why do I believe that being in my full power will get me kicked out of the club? Do I want to belong to a club that only accepts people acting small? Nope.
And there is the battle that I wage while on the mat. Deep inner inquiry that comes from yoga allows me to remember where I really belong as opposed to where I wish I could fit in. It helps me to get my claws out of the driveway of the small club. I unattach as I inhale and exhale.
Do you hang onto your inhale? Do you struggle to release your stories and your pain?
I’ve been having some wicked hip/gluteal pain in the past couple of years and it seems to be intensifying no matter what I do. It has hopped from the left butt to the right and now seems to really like its surroundings. All of my usual protocols are either doing nothing or actually exacerbating the pain. Super.
Like Arjuna, I have spent some time considering how I could possibly let this happen. Surely it is because I am not active enough. Maybe I sit writing too many newsletters? It must be my weight. Wait, what did I eat yesterday? Was it that bit of wheat? I obviously don’t practice enough.
Big breath.
If Krishna were my counsel, I think he would suggest that I show up here and now. I might ask the pain “what is it that you want me to see?” If I can be curious, expansive, and present I am far more able to grow through this. It might not be a solution to the pain but it does ease it. I can use this as an opportunity to see other practitioners who can suggest things I never would have thought of on my own. One brought in a past life that made a lot of sense. Another worked through my spinal cord and Shushumna Nadi. And they all ease the pain somewhat but more importantly, I learned more about me and that puts me at ease.
Truthfully, being unattached is easier. Trust is easier.
But the process to get there isn’t easy at all and it has many many layers.
In fact, as Nicki said, it is our life’s work.
How many times have you caught yourself thinking you should be able to do a pose better than you think you do? Or compared yourself to a student or fellow participant? Or blamed yourself if you got sick or injured? Attachment.
I am less able to do yoga right now. Stretching really hurts. Tune up balls create a gong show of pain. The most powerful technique right now is lying down, doing pranayama and subtly stretching my upper body to see if some release can occur.
But I know this is temporary. My hips might keep hurting but it is unlikely that they will stay the same. There will be greater flexibility at some point and guaranteed, there will be less too! It has always been thus!
I used to be able to do a lot more postures than now. But now, I can do a lot more postures more deeply and with greater awareness.
It is all temporary and always shifting.
When I taught my fifth Yoga Teacher Training program I felt badly that I wasn’t as new and enthusiastic as I had been for my first. I was sorry for my first program that I knew more for my fifth program. The teeter totter rocks.
We are organic beings in a constant state of renewal and regeneration. We are always transforming and therefore we are being consistently asked to let go, to unattach.
And isn’t this part of the allure of this career, practice, and path that we have chosen? The 8 limbs teach us to be present to each fleeting moment.
There are gems on our paths if we are willing to look and there are also thorns. This is true no matter how many postures we can execute with precision and grace. What stories we tell ourselves about both the thorns and the gems are what get us into trouble.
As teachers, we need to do this work inside of ourselves so that we can help others do the same. There will always be symptoms, struggles, and pain. Helping others to unattach so as to be curious is a super power.
In my experience, the deeper my work goes, the more things arise for healing. The more capable we become for battle, the more challenging the battles become.
Equilibrium, sattwa, arises as we trust our own actions and choices. We can do so based on good evidence that we are acting from a place of Self-knowledge and discernment. Through decades of practice we are nurturing trust in ourselves.
And so, wonderful and powerful teacher, what is the battlefield in front of you and what is its invitation? Why and for whom are you battling? From what will you unattach?
It is time.
