Are You Taking Care of Yourself? 10/24

I prefer to identify as a Karma Yogi as opposed to a workaholic but… let’s be honest here. I am fully hooked on the identity of being the kind person who listens to your stories. Aren’t we all prone to a little addiction? Is this ego? Is this your soul’s calling? I imagine it is a little of both and a fine line to walk.

My Mind

It started subtly when Karen invited me to come to her studio earlier than 10. “Bring Pip,” she said, “They can have a romp in the yard!” I responded that it was supposed to rain and I don’t know if I could come earlier than we had planned. I was in a total dither until I finally hopped in the car, with Pip, cursing under my breath at my own mind. Of course I could go at that time. It actually made my whole day easier but it wasn’t what I had planned and therefore presented itself like a mountain! As I got into the car, I muttered about a Vata mind.

In 2007, I decided to move to northern California to start a new life with a deep dive into The California College of Ayurveda followed by the dream of some sort of “my life is all perfect now” illusion. Prior to leaving Huntsville, we had sold the building where our then studio was housed and I lived. Suddenly homeless, I couch surfed with my dog for a few months and then we drove, with my 10 year old niece to California. Both my niece and my dog were incredibly anxious on this phenomenal road trip. I seldom went to the bathroom by myself! When I arrived in Grass Valley, I knew immediately that it was not my home. I felt crushed by the let down but wasn’t going to give up on the dream yet. However, after so much movement, turbulence and disruption, I was a disaster. This was my first true lesson in Vata, which rolls in during such times of excessive movement and loss.

I couldn’t decide on a flavour of wet dog food for Jiva. I actually went in and out of the store across the street from my temporary motel three times to try to figure out if it should be lamb, beef or salmon. W.T. actual F.

It always starts as a subtle symptom (like flavour choices) that my mind is not quite as decisive or clear as I am accustomed to. I’ve learned over the years that it is really important to take notice of these subtle signs before they manifest into full blown illness or injury.

Indecision, anxiety, and foggy-headedness are all symptoms of the Vata winds taking hold. It may seem like it isn’t a big deal or it's ‘all in your head’, but it is crucial that we heed the call and get back on track to well-being before we get blown into Oz and have to walk our way home again.

Today

In my job, I see a lot of people per week. Some days with more classes or courses, I might see 30-50 people. And most of them feel a connection to me, and I to them. I want to know how they are and they often want to tell me. It is a privilege that I do not take for granted.

However, after a while, if I am not paying attention to my own self-care or tank filling, my ‘compassion-o-meter’ crashes. I’m out.

On the day that I am writing this letter to you, I have hit one of those walls. And, I will tell you in no uncertain terms, that it is my own fault.

I shared last month that 2024 has been a year of tumult and excavation. Part of my churn pattern included diving headlong into scarcity mode. Expensive renovations, unstable living conditions and other factors played into a reduction in income and therefore a full blown over reaction and illusion of the permanence of scarcity. Once in such a mode, inevitably, I will not take care of myself in the ways that I know are necessary for me to be a good teacher, mentor, wife, mum to Pip and friend. I erode my self-care time (read holidays and personal practice), thinking that survival is only possible if I turn into an endless giver.

It doesn’t seem to matter how many times my coach reminds me of the importance of regularly booking holidays and taking time for me, I still seem to be the first person that I let down.

What is up with that?

The last holiday I spent at home helping on our renovations. Just to be clear, that was not a holiday. I did get a break from listening to other people’s stories and that was important but I did not ever really unplug.

So this leaves me today spinning in a space of empty tanks and broken compassion-o-meters. And what happens there? I swirl. I can’t make a decision. I worry about things that don’t need to be worried about. I question my ability to manage anything in my life, including teaching a solid class. Oh yeah, and usually I land on “and I’m fat.” No really, I do. This pattern is laughable to me now.

Like a fly on a pile of poo, somehow all roads lead to body image and the way in which it is a sign of my absolute inadequacy as a human.

Fascinating, aren’t we?

I am officially on empty and I could have avoided this if only I had shown up for myself a little bit more. I sacrificed me for the sake of others and this is a pattern that needs to shift…. Again…

How about you?

I know I am not alone in the world of yoga teachers, nor anyone who has chosen a career of service to the Greater Good that I put myself pretty low down the list. I joke in class about this with the (mainly) women who come to the mat. “I know what you and I do…” I say, “We know we can handle anything and that we will be okay, so we hold it all so that no one else has to suffer.” But then finally it is too much.

And it always is. And no one feels better because I or you held their stories or their burdens. This is a lie that we tell ourselves.

How this ties into yoga

I prefer to identify as a Karma Yogi as opposed to a workaholic but… let’s be honest here. I am fully hooked on the identity of being the kind person who listens to your stories. Aren’t we all prone to a little addiction? Is this ego? Is this your soul’s calling? I imagine it is a little of both and a fine line to walk.

Anna spoke to me at the retreat about the practice of pratyahara, of withdrawing. “But isn’t it also sometimes a dangerous or not -so-positive place to go to? Aren’t we sometimes isolating ourselves and avoiding?” We ended up spiraling into the greatest of all conversations about yogic philosophies – the fine balance of all actions and paths in life.

Do you remember the first few newsletters of The Teachers’ Lounge where I talked about the goals of life? If you want to see them again, they are all on the app! All 4 goals can be a gift and a curse.

The pursuit of wealth can lead to greed and its absence to poverty; of pleasure can lead to addictions and harm, its absence to a rejection of the gifts of this planet; of dharma can lead to workaholism and its absence to a lack of focus or mission; and of freedom can lead us to a disconnect from the human experience, its absence would lead to hopelessness.

The fine line of the four goals is only truly understood when we measure them through the lens of the yamas and niyamas. When we practice ethical principles and honest self-care coupled with service, the four goals make complete sense.

Let’s take Tapas as a pertinent example. Tapas refers to discipline as well as sacrifice for others. I have been truly lacking in tapas, right? Number one, I have not devoted the time needed to my own practice – discipline. But let’s spin the last part on its head. Have I not betrayed my sacrifice to others by not taking time off? In what I perceived as my commitment to others, was I not actually making my students pay through a less than excellent experience due to burnout and fatigue?

If my compassion-o-meter is broken, what the hell am I offering you? I am actually letting you down too, right?

I think this is all so fascinating… Forgive me geeking out on all of this but I imagine you too are a bit of a yogic philosophy geek. If you’ve made it this far through my ramblings, welcome to geekdom.

When people come to class with me I ask them to be selfish and self-serving. Why? Because the more they take from the practice, the more they will have to give.

Many of my peeps are those that hold back from taking in case others don’t have enough. Well, there is enough oxygen in a room for you to take more than your fair share! It is a practice of recognizing what we need to be viable contributors in this lifetime. It is a practice of recognizing that we are all allowed and expected to receive the abundant gifts of this lifetime. The more you open your gifts, the more you then have to give.

So, how do you discern the fine balance between giving and receiving? How do you walk the fine line between introspection and hermit? How do you engage in the larger world of being a business owner while also walking the sacred path of yoga?

I remember a carpenter friend of mine saying that me focusing on my own practice on my own time was like him wanting to build while off hours. This is not apples to apples. Practicing on your own mat deepens your teaching, hones your skills and your own soul knowing. It is an essential part of the path of yoga that we know ourselves better. When we know ourselves better, we hear the subtle signals sooner and know what to do about them!

To Compare is Human

I often do the unhelpful practice of comparison. Come on now, fess up!

One of the reasons that I don’t scroll on social media much is because I am pretty quick to believe that I am not doing enough. Anywho… I stumbled upon a teacher who leads 2 retreats per month and a few 5 week 200 hour YTTs per year plus workshops and classes. Wowsers. How quickly did I go down the rabbit hole of measuring my own output against this fellow? Yup. You got it. I got whiplash.

When I trained with Esther Myers, the program was 700 hours over 2 years. This was actually the main thing that attracted me to her. I wanted a long program because I knew it was the only way that yoga would truly become part of my life as opposed to a 5 week program that would be quickly forgotten. When I started training people, my program accredited participants with 600 hours over 20 months, then it was whittled down along with our attention spans to one year, but still 600 hours. Since the pandemic destroyed any semblance of an attention span, I now teach a 200 hour program over 6 months. I honestly don’t know how or why anyone could do it in a shorter amount of time. How can anything this rich be taught quickly? What is lost in the drive to cram it all in to be able to have more programs through the year?

At the fateful time of deciding that this other teacher had it all together and I was lagging, I stopped to ponder what I want my life to look like. I truly would not want a couple of retreats per month, nor do I want a YTT factory. I want connection. I want deep experiences of transformation with people. I want to feel the impact that this work has on people. This fills my tank.

And that is actually my tapas.

I hone the discipline to create a life of connection, transformation and expansion. In order for me to do this well, I need to also create a life in which I connect, transform and expand within myself. I need ground, contact and inspiration, which is the opposite of spinning and crashing my compassion-o-meter.

But I do want to say one thing that might cancel me out of your life.

Reciting intentions that you can have a life of abundance won’t bring you abundance. There is hard work needed and a very deep commitment to Tapas if you are going to build a yoga career. I know all about the IG coaches that are telling you that you can have a monthly 6 figure income if you follow them. But truthfully, you must follow you, not them. You have to know you and what you need to have a fulfilling life. This is why we were born. We were born to be fulfilled. Abundance can come to you, but let it come out of your choices in creating a life that is authentic to you and what fills you.

Okay, back to today

So here I am, the day before we are going to pack up and head to Wiarton for a reset and renewal in my family of 2 humans and one very spirited dog. I am looking forward to remembering. I will bring my journal and ask myself questions like, what is fulfillment for me today? I will bring my kayak and ask the water to carry me to my soul. I will bring books to help my mind to expand and my heart to express.

And I will bring my mat. And I will make time for me on my mat. I will make sure that I set up where I will have lots of space for my ever expanding wingspan.

Decisions will be easier because there will be fewer to make without the constant pull of notifications and obligations.

The spin will slow. I will remember how to wear my skin. I will fill my tank. I will be selfish and greedy taking every last scoop of the gifts that my wise Self has laid out for me.

Because this is the practice of being human and being a yoga teacher. We must spiral through knowing and not-knowing, confusion and clarity, spinning and stilling. We must walk the fine balance of what it is to be fully alive, seeking a fulfilling path